Best New Videos - Week 4

1/25/13

All's a lost cause until Ke$ha show's up in her furry Mystery Machine. Though that's about the most uplifting sentiment in this week of best new video strides. That and the sweet peek into the secret love found in the skeleton afterlife. Otherwise, it's all apocalyptic K-Pop fear and cryptic VHS doom with a side of "Mortichrome" hell. Suit up.

 

Crystal Castles - 'Sad Eyes'

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Finally, some uncut footage of what honest balaclava clad citizens do in their nightmarish down time. Also, sweet Marge Simpson sweater, Alice Glass. Maybe those 'sad eyes' wouldn't be so down if you remembered this faded pop-culture compliment.

 

Corrections House - 'Hoax the System'

Skulls, swords and "fuck you" messages written on rocks in sync to a kick-drum, while a scathing "revolt" vocal berates. There is not much wrong with this video if you're in the mood to rage against the "system." What this system is, we couldn't tell you. But it's brought to us by crisp monochrome photography dubbed "Mortichrome" and that's just about the best name for a production house like so we've seen in a while.

 

UUVVWWZ - 'Open Sign'

Somebody spiked the Tough Mudder competition's Gatorade supply all the kids are into these days with acid, and the rest is bear mask and bandana history. The erratic screeches of UUVVWWZ's Teal Gardner work well.

 

Ke$ha - 'C'Mon'

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Never fear, young women yearning for more than an "Awful House" (wink) dead-end waitress gig, Ke-dollar sign-ha and her furry fetish club will pick you up in their predator Mystery Machine with cat ears and take you to the land of sultan beds and pinatas and get you "feeling like a sabertooth tiger" right and quick.

Trust - 'Bulbform'

Sign language, hazmat suit dance parties, arabic text scrolls, VHS tape-cleaning prompts, upside-down counters - we have no fucking clue what's going on here, but the whirling synth and cosmic club jam sedates just right. Some rabbit hole negative film fun, right here.  Not necessarily new.  But a new fascination for us.

 

Girls' Generation - 'I Got a Boy'

Koreans are going to take over the world and we're scared. Also, these girls look like they're 10, and have been raised on a diet of unicorns, snap bracelets and NKOTB records.  I know what you're thinking.  How can I read a post that has Crystal Castles and Girls Generation in the same post.  It's because you're on BitCandy dummy.

 

2NE1 - 'I Am the Best'

We repeat: Koreans are going to take over the world. By the time the Northern section of the apocalyptic lands are done testing nuclear bombs, this video will reach 10 billion views, in which PSY will reveal that "Gangnam Style" is a euphemism for blitzkrieg warfare and the K-Pop armies will unite and shoot bullets from their tits, just you watch.

 

Family Band - 'Moonbeams'

This is why cremation is stupid - there's love to be had in the physical afterlife, skateboard and bike-thieving, youthful love. So when it's time to choose your six-feet-under partner, do remember this moment when the Family Band has prepared you with a vignette of decisions to be made - i.e. what kind of Keds are best for your bone suit.

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The truth now, what would you do if Ke$ha summoned the furry Mystery Machine for you? Would you enter the land of dry-humping animal suits? Or would you tell that loll-poppin' faux-whore to meet you in your bone suit in 50 years? Think hard, friends, there's only so much time before K-Pop renders our lives meaningless. Until next week…