Top Music Posers of 2011

1/4/12

Happy New Year...how long do we have to politely say that to be politically nice, ugh, yeh, PEWK! Okay, we admit, we are plain grumps here at BitCandy. But we're just not into that whole "Best of 2011" pageantry pretty much every other music blog will be churning out right now. I mean, come on, who wants to read how brilliant Adele's "21" is... 50 times over. It is like, "Okay WE GET IT! JEEZ!"

So instead, BitCandy present to you our own special take on those otherwise snore-inducing "Best of" lists...the Music Posers as we see it...aka, the WORST music of 2011 reviewed on BitCandy. Mwhahaha! We've already let you in on numbers 30 to 15 here, and now buckle up as we finally unveil the 14 most hyped music fails of 2011, below.  

14: Peter, Bjorn & John – Second Chance – Rating: 2.7

This album has 11 songs on it and 10 of them are junk...In fact if PB+J was a new artist (or a tasty sandwitch), and this was their first album...you'd have to even wonder if they would get signed? Ouch. Sorry to be harsh but...c'mon, you guys can do better (read more...).

 

13: Thee Oh Sees – Castlemania – Rating: 2.6

Lets face it. The truth is this...there are some indie bands you can practically interchange with each other and not even know the difference. Remember Backstreet Boys and N*Sync? Kinda like that. So this week, Thee Oh Sees and Jacuzzi Boys are indeed and in fact the Backstreet and N*Sync boy bands of indie music. (except N*Sync had better songs). So here's my review that is universally interchangeable for each artist (read more...).

 

12: Jacuzzi Boys – Glazin – Rating: 2.6

See description for #13 (read more...).

 

11: Lights – Siberia – Rating: 2.6

It's not that this album is god awful horrible. It's just that this album is kinda in the "good minus" meets "so what" category. There's something about Lights' overall presentation that's trying to be saying, "Hey I'm cool, I'm Indie, alternative pop... believe in me!"... but deep down we know she's a Poser (read more...).

 

10: Machinedrum – Rooms – Rating: 2.5

Listening to Machinedrum is like going down to Canal St. in Manhattan where you're looking to pick up some cheap fashion knock offs. Sure the fake Louis Vuitton handbag feels "right" for the moment...but then the imitation leather starts falling apart and the cheap dye gets your hands all discolored, you try to run across the street to wash your hands and then BANG get hit be a crosstown bus (read more...).

 

9: The Horrors – Skying – Rating: 2.1

It's not that this album isn't good. It's fine. Sure, it's good. But that's the problem. Most new major releases are pretty good. But pretty good is absolutely the worst thing you want to be. Pretty good is a failure. In other words, there's no statement made here at all. There's no amazement left on any level going on (read more...).

 

8: Dangermouse – Rome – Rating: 1.5

Dangermouse makes a record - no one really cares. Oh, some will but really...when's the last time you listened to this album past the hype...Be honest!  Danger Mouse hosted a Spaghetti Western music party and got no RSVP from Ennio Morricone (read more...).

 

7: Mac Miller – Blue Slide Park – Rating: 1.5

I mean as far as "songs" and exciting, long lasting, breakthrough tracks...the new Mac Miller 'Blue Slide Park' album is more of a fast food McDonalds album than a 12 course / track meal (read more...).

 

6: Ladytron – Gravity The Seducer – Rating: 1.5

Did Ladytron intentionally set out to make an album this bad? If so then I have to change the rating from the Poser Section to...Winning! If those are their intentions then they have made a tremendous success with their new album 'Gravity The Seducer' (read more...).

 

5: Limp Bizkit – Gold Cobra – Rating: 1.2

"What up suckas!? It's me, Fred Durst. Yeah, I know, you thought you'd be done with me by now, but guess what? I'm like a chainsaw, I'll skin your ass raw..." (read more...).

 

4: Tegan and Sara – Get Along – Rating: 1.1

You gotta be careful when you walk down the alley these days (especially in Vancouver, Canada). You might just have 2 cutie pie Canadians approach you...they look well intentioned, have nice guitars, sweetest indie folk voices..but then they pull their twin switchblades and suck out 45 minutes of your time into their "new" album which is just a "hardly live" album with $100 of production costs (read more...).

 

3: Hollywood Undead – American Tragedy – Rating: 0.1

I love (or should I say 'loved') Hollywood Undead. The whole dangerous, WTF, mish mash of hardsounds and styles with a sonic dose of anger and very twisted lyrics...You know what's missing from this new album? All of the above and more (read more...).

 

2: Seether – Holding Onto Strings Better Left To Fray – Rating: 0.1

Can we really afford to support a band like Seether? 'Holding Onto Strings' is an album of such vapid, faceless, crunchy-guitars-meets-constipated-vocals, mind-numbing numbers that you'd swear it was just a covers collection (read more...).

 

1: MGMT – Late Night Tales Compilation – Rating: 0

For this MGMT review of 'Late Night Tales,' I don't care if this is a Late Night Tales thing.  These choices of songs suck donkey dicks.  I realized someone needed to step up, go "on the record" and say how truly horrible this compilation is. And that person is going to be me (read more...).

But REALLY #1 on the Poser list, as the photo suggests...deserves to be, without a doubt the disaster of an album collaboration between Lou Reed and Metallica.  Right up there with the "new Coke formula" idea.  Officially we never heard the full album but the samples were just like kryptonite to anyone who likes music. 

Well now we've done it...you're probably not friends with us anymore...or hopefully I've made some new ones.  

 

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