WTF: DRAKE NOT SAD, CONFIRMS SAD DRAKE

9/25/18
Drake

Hey guys,

It’s me Aubrey. 

I know I may look, act, talk, sing and show all the major signs like that of a depressed person, but I assure you I am not in the least bit sad. 

I’ve never been happier in my life.  Not even when I was fifteen and first got cast on Degrassi: The Next Generation.  hat was a pretty landmark time for me, and it’s all been downhill since then.  I mean uphill. It’s all been uphill. Sorry, I mix up & down down sometimes. See, I meant to say I mix up & down up sometimes. Haha!  Look at me, just loving life. 

I mean, how could I not be? I’ve got more singles than I take to the strip club when I go every week, for crying out loud. Which is actually a lot because how else are you going to get the nice girls to talk to you?  Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but definitely less so when you have a stripper on your lap. I think her name is Lauren. She’s told me twice and I’m too nervous to ask again.

I’ve got this palatial estate up here in Toronto, and I’m living the lavish life all by myself.  I know that I have assured you in the past, and now will assure you again, that I totally don’t mind being alone. No matter what the press says.  I mean it’s just human life, it’s not like it’s meant to be shared with another person.  It’s so much nicer to live this way. This way you don’t have to do anything for anybody.  I never have to hear “Aubrey, give me a back massage” or “make me dinner” or “rub my feet.”  Sure, I’d love to do all of those things, but this way I don’t have to.

Most of the time I just sit in my armchair staring off into the distance. Now, does that sound emotional? I don’t think so. 

On the days when I’m not feeling particularly up to snuff  I’ll take myself out on a me-date to reset the mojo back to normal. I’ll go to Raptors games and treat myself to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. But just because I have rough days every once and a while doesn’t meant I’m a fundamentally sad person. Everybody gets the feels sometimes. 

I know every other rapper hates me, but it’s only because they’re jealous.

Weezy likes me, sure. But then again he’s always kind of “out of it” on the purple drank, so I don’t know if he really actually likes having me around or if it’s just easier than telling me off like everybody else seems to do. Also he calls me Draco most of the time and that hurts because I’m definitely a Hufflepuff and not a Slytherin. And to the rest of you no-good-boys who like to air my dirty laundry on very public diss tracks? That hurts. I’m just a person. Made of flesh and bone. A boy standing in front of a boy in the mirror, asking him to love himself.

Is that so hard?

Yes. :’(

[Drake Image Labelled for Re-Use with Modification // Drake by jacobmiller6 - https://www.flickr.com/photos/75606899@N04/6793696048]
[Teardrop Image Labelled for Re-Use with Modification // Pixabay - https://pixabay.com/en/drop-raindrop-water-tear-teardrop-159527/]

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