WTF: WALE RUINS MIGUEL'S "COFFEE"

5/16/15
Wale Ruins Miguel’s “Coffee”

There seems to be a line of thinking in American pop culture, and really all of American life, that more is always better. This seems to be especially true in the areas of R&B and hip hop. As a half-hearted minimalist I disagree with this sentiment, and I’m here to show you some scientific proof that it’s faulty logic.

For instance, when Miguel makes “Coffee” he should really only have one ingredient.

 

MIGUEL “COFFEE”

In 2012 everyone I knew couldn’t shut up about Frank Ocean’s major label debut, Channel Orange. They called him a genius, talked about how he was revolutionizing R&B, and breathlessly told me this record was a game-changers and an all-timer. I listened to it and was pretty underwhelmed. Soon after I listened to Kaleidoscope Dreams and thought that everyone meant Miguel when they told me about Frank Ocean. All of this is to say, I’m pretty pumped about Wild Heart, Miguel’s new LP due out later this year. I’ve been obsessed with “Coffee,” the record’s lead single, since he dropped it on Soundcloud in the now-unavailable nwa.hollywooddreams.coffee EP.

But now that it’s officially a single, some genius decided it needed a little something more. This may be true in theory, but that something sure as shit isn’t whatever Wale was trying to do on his verse. “She say my stroke is a scone, I let that soak in her bean,” is the sort of middle school boy metaphor that Wale thinks is clever. Even Wiz Khalifa is embarrassed by how lazy his bars are.

When rapping about coffee, the bar is set pretty damned low. All Wale had to do was find some way to land in-between the nadir of Ludacris-via-Bieber “She woke me up daily, don’t need know Starbucks” and Heavy D & The Boys “Black Coffee” apex. By my estimation Wale fails to clear even this low hurdle, and in the process torpedos what should be one of my favorite pop songs of the year.

 

MIGUEL “COFFEE (FT. WALE)”

The verdict is in: This song is significantly better with just Miguel. Also, it looks like they’ve dropped the parenthetical (Fuckin’) from the title, which is for the best.

Wale really ought to get back to rapping about nothing.

 

WALE “THE OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE”

 

About Calvin Paradise

Calvin Paradise manages to live a productive life despite a childhood of home schooling and suffering from what some doctors have called the worst case of Groucho Marx's Syndrome in recorded history.