P4k Posers: Eight Hyped Fail Tracks
by Jess Grant
7/5/12
Below you will find eight new tracks that Pitchfork herald as this week's “must hears.” But FEAR NOT - BitCandy have flown from the Batcave (in extra tight spandex) just in time to save you from these hipster villains!!
Despite what P4K tell you, the following tracks are actually dangerously toxic, sent to destroy your eardrums from the inside out! Okay well... maybe that's an exaggeration... but still... they are REALLY FUCKING BAD.
The Antlers "Drift Dive"
Pitchfork invite us to rest our heads upon The Antlers front man, Peter Silberman's “pillowy falsetto.” We appreciate it, Pete, cos this snoozefest had us away with the fairies!
Yeasayer "Longevity"
Here is another track to dump in your local indie pop landfill after September (but "good enough" for the next couple months before expiration date." Oh, and the award for the “Most Ironic Song Title” goes to...
Nas "The Don (Massive Attack Remix)"
I know you like to think your shit don't stank. But if Massive Attack were to take a “Massive Crap,” this Nas remix is what it would smell like.
Katie Got Bandz, Sasha GoHard and Chella H "I'm Hotta"
Katie, Sasha and Chella want you to know "they're hotter, they're hotter, they're hotter." We want them to "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP” (as said in the voice of Chandler Bing).
Machinedrum "Luster"
Oh God, Machinedrum is STILL trying? Why are you even contemplating pressing “play”? And why am I asking so many questions?
Angel Haze "New York"
Wake me up when something interesting happens in this new song from Missy Elliott or whatever.
Beck "I Just Started Hating Some People Today"
I see your song title, and I raise it “I Just Started Hating Beck Today.” Well, I actually started hating him when he began boning Charlotte Gainsbourg. Anywayz... WTF is this song all about dude? We miss you!
Tree Branch Twig "The Best Song to End a Dance Mix"
We wrap up today's post with one of our favorite posers yet! If you do not read Pitchfork, then we are afraid to inform you that you are missing out on absolute diamonds like this. We presume the people that genuinely think this is good are kinda like those douchebags that you get in art galleries, who stand there staring at a painting of a banana for six hours, claiming it's reflective of the artist's inner struggle in the midst of world globalization or some shit like that. When it's just a painting of a fucking banana.
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Well count yourself lucky, homosapien, for you are now one of the special few BitCandy have rescued from the evil scenesters over at Pitchfork. All in a day's work...
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