Iceage - You're Nothing

2/18/13
2.1ARTIST INFO

Top marks for the album title, Iceage! If nothing good comes from this music review (and, believe me, it won't), then at least you can say, “Well, the gamle stodder liked the album title!” Because, Iceage, you are nothing... Or perhaps I should say... You will be nothing, once the blogosphere put their dongs away and send you back to Denmark...

I enjoyed your debut album. Well, from what I can recall... Because I only listened to it once. That same day Pitchfork spunked it an 8.4... My thought-process went something like, “N'aw, get a load of these angst-ridden, pube-sprouting teenagers, coming to terms with the world by way of punk rock. How cute...”:

Then I assumed the three of you would grow up and get a real job like, I don't know, baking wienerbrød or something... But, no such luck. You are back, with a second album, and more importantly, with pubes... Therefore, take it like men, Iceage, as to paraphrase Jack Nicholson:

Album opener, “Ecstasy,” equates to a fart on the first date... Whoever tells you that they “like” this “song” - oh hai, Pitchfork, I didn't see you and your “Best New Track” there - are talking out of their stinking, hipster ass:

You're Nothing has been rewarded 2 points, for the 2 tracks that did not make me want to throw a rock at Pitchfork's “new immersive music streaming platform”: “In Haze” and “Mellow.” But I will be honest. Honesty is the best policy, right?! I could not make it past track 10... Had I continued with this hot mess, I would have, ladies and gentleman, lost my shit:

So sit down and shut up or I am calling your mother, Iceage... I am done with your irritating, intolerable and incessant whining, not to mention your complete disregard for hooks, you brats... Now look what you have made me do... Lose my goddamn shit! What did I tell you?! Time for a well-earned lesson in hardcore punk... Watch and learn, amateurs, watch and learn:

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