INDEPENDENT COMMITTEE CONFIRMS DJ KHALED NOT THE BEST MUSIC
An Independent committee made up of respected music industry insiders have confirmed after a week-long conference, from the Crimean Peninsula resort city of Yalta, that DJ Khaled is not, in fact, the best music. This emergency panel was pulled together in light of Khaled’s new song with Justin Bieber, Quavo (of Migos fame), and Chance the Rapper. “No Brainer,” which opens with Khaled stating a blatant lie: “We the Best Music….Another One — DJ Khaled,” must be retconned to better serve the music listening public. The committee, “An Independent Committee Who Loves Independent Music,” have declared DJ Khaled Public Enemy Number 1 until this issue is resolved.
DJ KHALED - NO BRAINER
An Independent Committee Who Loves Independent Music was called for their second conference this year by PrickSpoon Staffer Nick Forsythe-Johnson III, who most recently gave Aphex Twin’s “Syro” a 3.1 and Rick Ross and Skrillex’s “Purple Lamborghini” a 1.0. In May the committee met for their first session to discuss whether Kanye West would be allowed to stay in the industry after his MAGA stunt. Forsythe-Johnson and the other panelists left their meeting this week with a decree that Khaled would no longer be able to use this new catchphrase as it is blatant false advertising and they would report him to the Better Business Bureau if he didn’t change it. Some options that the committee has left the “producer” to work with instead are: “We the Worst Music,” “They the best music. I mean I get good people together on a track but am not able to include myself in their company anymore,” “We is to music as McDonalds is to food, terrible but you’ll keep buying it” and “We the— what is it I do again?— Music?” DJ Khaled has not settled on an option as of the printing of this article, but the committee is confident that a new version will be uploaded to all streaming services by the end of the week.
“While we certainly appreciate his bravado,” said Senior Vice President of Kreblonkadonk Music, William Gronk, “Saying you’re the best when you’re quite literally the opposite of that just can’t fly anymore.” The committee believes that accompanying video is as much proof as they need to lay down such a sentencing. They believe that no artist who was actually the best would be booed off the stage for six minutes straight and that only if he were to take “We The Worst Music” as a catchphrase would this kind of performance be acceptable any longer.
DJ KHALED BOOED OFF THE STAGE FOR 6 MINUTES STRAIGHT
While Quavo, Justin Bieber and Chance the Rapper all get a pass for working with Khaled because of the “muchos dineros” they were all allegedly paid to appear on the track, the committee will not be as kind next time. When approached for a comment, one of three (but we are unable to name which as they requested to remain anonymous) was rumored to have the following to say: “I mean, I don’t know what he’s thinking. The only thing he’s the best at is screaming his name. We’re all actually pretty embarrassed.”
Is there anything else this article is missing? Oh yeah … maybe an actual chorus for “No Brainer.”
Let’s hope this committee can get some traction towards keeping “another one” from our airwaves.
DJ KHALED "ANOTHER ONE" LOOP 15 MINUTES
We the Best Article!
From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.