P-Fork Posers: 5 Hyped Fail Tracks
by Jess Grant
6/20/12
BitCandy are back with five new tracks, each praised by Pitchfork as this week's “must listens, and if you don't, well oh my GOD, you might just die from lack of indie cool!”
But this is, of course, utter bullshit... at least, in our not so humble opinion. In fact, we bet on our Bon Iver sneakers that you won't be listening to any of these songs this time next month... fuck... this time tomorrow!
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Frank Ocean “Pyramids”
We can think of a 100 better ways to pass ten minutes than by listening to Frank Ocean's so-called “R&B event,” “Pyramids”: make a cheese grill, jerk off, play Plants vs Zombies, take a good poop...
Recloose "Magic [ft B.Slade]"
Hey everyone, here's a shitty house track that sounds like every other shitty house track! But according to Pitchfork, Recloose's “Magic” - what with its "aqueous, bell-curved” structure - is on a par with “perpetual ecstasy.” Face palm.
Fang Island "Sisterly"
Here is another song from those "manic Brooklyn rockers,” Fang Island! And they really tear the fucking rule book up with this one, guys! Uh, sorry, what we really mean to say is... “Sisterly” is “honest and life-affirming and infectious.” Kinda like Gonorrhea.
The Fresh & Onlys "Yes or No"
Oh look, it is another "inventive little nugget" from My Morning Jacket, no sorry, Fleet Foxes, no sorry, Band of Horses, no sorry, The Fresh & Only's – "Yes or No.”
Port St. Willow "Amawalk"
According to Pitchfork, the presence of Port St. Willow's “Amawalk” will “follow you around for a week.” And for once, we actually agree. You know when you go to a shitty bar, and that gross smoke smell clings to your clothes, and no matter what detergent you use, it's always fucking there? This song's like that.
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Oof! BitCandy: bitchier than a 140-character feud between Chris Brown and Drake!
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Do you agree?
Are these five full-time posers?
Do Pitchfork make you wanna turn in your INDIE BADGE OF COOL?
Hey that's a cool shirt – where'd you get that bro?
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