TOP 9 SONGS ABOUT MASTURBATION
Most people likes to touch themselves. In this day and age, masturbation is … common. It’s so common that no one is screaming that you’ll go to hell for doing it anymore. Regardless, masturbation is the swiss army knife of pleasure. It can be used for many different things: to cope with boredom or sadness, for pleasure, or even as a source of empowerment. However you get off, just relax and go do it, just be sure to put a sock on the door knob. While you’re off doing or not doing the thing, we have here 10 songs that speak precisely about pushing all the right buttons. Some you know and others may come as a surprise. Enjoy, and by enjoy we mean the songs of course.
DIVINYLS - I TOUCH MYSELF
Let us get to it then the most obvious one. If this song isn’t obviously about masturbation to you, you might be deaf or in denial. “I Touch Myself” is probably the most famous song ever to blatantly talk about masturbation. Chrissy Amphlett wrote the song with the writing team Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg -- Kelly and Steinberg are also famous very writing “Like A Virgin” by Madonna. “I Touch Myself” is about liking someone so much you pleasure yourself to the thought of them. This is probably the highest compliment you can give someone.
CYNDI LAUPER - SHE BOP
The once rival of the “Like A Virgin” Madonna also has an overtly sexualized song. Although instead of sex, it’s about self-sex -- or masturbation to a lay person. “She Bop” is about having an uncontrollable urge to pleasure yourself. She chases the feeling so much that she comes to realize maybe she’s doing it too much.
BRITNEY SPEARS - TOUCH MY HAND
She’s the queen of female empowerment. Britney Spears nails the masturbation game with this ode to her favorite pleasurable pastime. “Touch My Hand” is about not being ashamed of your sexuality. Instead of hiding her pleasure of self-pleasure, she declares that its what makes her bold. She is in control because she gets to decide.
GREEN DAY - LONGVIEW
There are dangers to too much masturbation. If you do something too much, the warm charm you get eventually wears off. Billie Joe Armstrong knows what I’m talking about. The lyrics of “Longview” point to masturbation as way to deal with meaninglessness -- aka nihilism. The world is drab and the pleasures don’t take like they used to. It can be also read in terms of alienation. Armstrong or the narrator -- whatever you want to call the person who's singing -- is using masturbation, weed, and the general evasiveness of doing anything outside the house, as a way to deal with lack of meaning or direction. The line “I’m so damn bored, I’m going blind...” is not only nod to masturbation, but has another meaning too: he’s probably jerking way too much.
RADIOHEAD - THINKING ABOUT YOU
The original pasty sad boys, Radiohead is known for highly intellectual lyrics and themes, complex chords structures, and sticking it to the man. Not the case with this song though. “Thinking About You” is about a heartbroken Thom Yorke’s post-break up phase. Insecurity, loneliness, and horniness, these three things are a paragon of what it's like after a break-up. Yorke captures the grey overcast clouds that pain a angsty teen perfectly. Time passing and rubbing one out makes the pain go away, so lighten up, Thom Yorke.
FKA TWIGS - KICKS
FKA Twigs is perfectly blunt when she gets lonely: she can physically love herself. Although a bit ambiguous, “Kicks” is about taking charge when your lover is gone. It’s not clear where FKA Twigs’ lover is but clearly this is about solo love; however, there is a tinge of melancholy attached to the song. Masturbation is used to fill the void of her lover who isn’t around. She’s willing to wait for no one but him and touch herself to get by.
THE VAPORS - TURNING JAPANESE
Although songwriter David Fenton denies the masturbation analogy, it’s easy to see why people think “Turning Japanese” is about masturbation. In the song, the narrator talks about a picture of his now ex-girlfriend driving him crazy and how he wishes a doctor can take a picture of her inside. It’s hard not to think Fenton is sexualizing the picture. The guitarist Rob Kemp claims the phrase “turning Japanese” is a metaphor for turning into something that you’re not. However, the pro-masturbation translation thinks “turning Japanese” is about the face you make when you rub one out. It’s up in the air for this one, maybe.
THREE DOORS DOWN - HERE WITHOUT YOU
Famous for the song “Kryptonite,” Three Doors Down were a 90s juggernaut that have faded since then. However, they dabbled in the masterbation genre like many others. “Here Without You” seems to have some sexual undertones. The song focuses on the loneliness of the narrator as he wrestles being away from his lover. Although not bluntly about masturbation, the narrator thought focuses on the absent lover. I mean, if your alone for 100 days -- as the song states -- your probably bound to rub one out. I mean, this line seems to be saying something about self-pleasuring needs: “And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done/It gets hard but it won't take away my love.”
CHARLI XCX - BODY OF MY OWN
This song just lays it all out there. Charli doesn’t even talk about her hands. In song, she’s got a gun aimed directly at her target. Unlike FKA Twigs -- who lives in the stone age using her fingers -- Charli lives in the 20th century where there are machines that run on batteries. The vibrator innuendo is brilliant, because she flips a phallic trope typically used by men -- a gun -- and uses it as a symbol for empowerment. The title, “Body of My Own” is a direct nod to self-empowerment. In fact, she masturbates better than whoever she was hooking up with before. There’s also a references to tasting herself. Sometimes no one knows you better than yourself.
Why people masturbate is in the hands of beholder. Most psychologist know that doing the deed, whether it’s in a sock or with a cucumber -- is perfectly healthy. Sexuality has been stigmatized since the dawn of religious zealots which is a shadow that hangs over most people until today. Pop culture -- specifically these songs -- show that masterbation helps with stress of life. We are sexual creatures so just be responsible and clean after yourself.