I am a Narcotics Officer for the LAPD and you are all under arrest for reading this article.

Don’t you dare think for a second that we don’t know what you music loving hippies are up to in your spare time. You think you’re being so cute with your clever nicknames and subtle references, but we're not as stupid as we look. We’ve just got bigger fish to fry than to chase Snoop Dogg down the 405 every time he lights up a blunt the size of my forearm. We’re out there doing the real work, getting our hands dirty. I’ve busted people from Tennessee to Timbuktu for pedaling pills and pushing on pre-teens. Now I’m looking to you, the LAPD is on the hunt for some fresh meat to send up to county.

Fifteen to twenty for possession with intent to sell.

I think it should be LIFE just for writing a song about it.



Tom Petty - Mary Jane’s Last Dance

Alright, there’s not that much we can do with this one as unfortunately Mr. Petty passed away recently and we REFUSE to speak ill of the dead. REFUSE. But goddamn, if we hadn’t been building the best, most impressive, case against him. Just about a year ago now, actually, the department figured out what Mary Jane meant. Mary Jane - MJ - MARYJUANA. After that landmark discovery we immediately started putting together a dossier on both Tom Petty and Spiderman. Guess we’re going to have to turn our attention to your friendly neighborhood webslinger now that Petty is gone.


Sir Smoke A Lot - Sampson Gets Me Lifted

This one’s really confusing. World famous reefer smoker, Sir Smoke A Lot, is basically telling us exactly how to find and bust his dealer. But do we go after the delivery service with the smiley face on the cards or the rapper for his blatant disregard for societies rules and regulations? Or is this all just a set up? Will Sir Smoke A Lot be ready at the waiting with a team full of trained police assassins to take us down if we dare call Mr. Nice Guy’s number? Not sure what the best plan of attack is on this one, but someone will be going down for sure.


Cypress Hill - Hits From the Bong

For crying out loud this Cypress Hill song actually starts with a bong sound effect. That is 100% asking for me and my team to kick down all of their door and arrest every single person involved in this song. Now technically, I think these guys can get away this under the same rules that head shops go by. They just need to claim that it’s for tobacco. THAT IS THE LAW. This is what my son told me at least when I found his bong under his bed. I choose to believe him because he’s never proven to me that I shouldn’t. Plus, it’s partially my fault for getting him hooked on the chaw when he was twelve. It doesn’t have the same kick after a while— gotta kick it up a notch.


The Weeknd - Can’t Feel My Face

This one is a damn shame. I really felt a connection to that Weeknd kid up until he squandered it all away with his 2015 single “Can’t Feel My Face.” If you didn’t know, the feeling in his face that he can’t, is due to the numbness from all of the drugs he’s shoved up his nose. Do you know how many men have died at the hands of criminal drug lords like Pablo Escobar just so R&B songs like this can play on radio airwaves in 2018? HUNDREDS! THOUSANDS! The real problem here is how relatable this all is. Like half the goddamn country sings along with a wink and twinkle in their eye, knowingly aware of exactly what it’s like to be this blitzed out of your mind on cocaine. Unacceptable.


Eric Clapton - Cocaine

At least in 1977 we could play this off as Eric Clapton being cheeky. Sure, it was all fun and games in back then, but that’s only because no one had been seriously hurt by drugs yet. It was a time when cocaine was still a “good time,” the cure-all for a lame night and really great way to stay awake when you got put on the night shift. That is all until crack was introduced to impoverished cities in 1984, to ostensibly keep the population in check, and ruined everything for everyone. Wait, I think I said too much. I think that Clapton (an otherwise honorable musician) is being kind of sarcastic here, so he’ll get more of a pass from me than any of these other jamokes on the list. Plus, I really kind of like that “Tears in Heaven” song. Reminds me of junior.


Cedric Gervais - Have You Seen Molly?

Okay, Okay. Mr. Gervais, I see right through your thin veneer. This isn’t a song about a missing girl named Molly at all. This is about looking for MDMA product. What an inappropriate misdirection. This is the promotion of utter swill and I will not stand for it. Truth is, I’ve been undercover at a number of “raves” when this song played. You know what we call this one on the force? The rave bro jail anthem. Why? Because we catch more rave bros trying to offload their product whilst this terrible EDM tune plays, than any other song in the history of music. It’s like literally saying “Hey, I’m totally obvious. Someone please arrest me.” GLADLY.


Eminem - My Fault

Shhhh don’t move in on him yet. Let him get it all out before we go in for the arrest. We’ve got a rap sheet a mile long for Marshall Mathers, but there is nothing better than a good old fashioned confession to make it stick. This sick fuck is going away for a long time. Pushing mushrooms on a girl until she ends up comatose on the country morgue table. Okay, we’ve got Marshall and his dealer Dave in our sites. He laid the whole goddamn thing out for us. Go! Go! Now! Mr. Mathers you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you by the court.


The Beatles - Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

The Beatles - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds from Maximo on Vimeo.

John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr are the four greatest criminal masterminds of the 21st century. Did you know that “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” stands for LSD? It does. LUCY, SKY, DIAMONDS. LSD. I am tripping out here. I’ve been listening to The Beatles since I was a wee lad in Liverpool— tattling on my friends for eating candy before dinner— and now I’m subjected to this shameful version of our reality? The other nine songs on this list are all obvious as the day is long, but this one is so clever, so subtle it very nearly went undetected by the powers be. Not any longer. I have gone and uncovered the great drug swindle of the century and deserve the medal of valor for this one. Don’t worry I’ve burned all my Beatles memorabilia, and vow never pick up a guitar and try to play “Blackbird” again.


Fritz Carlton & Lubelski - Doses

Okay, so naming all of the drugs is what’s going on here? This is just okay nowadays? What has happened to the world?  Are they advertising all of the drugs they have for sale? Or is just the wikipedia entry for illicit substances? I don’t even know why anyone would want to do some of these drugs? Ketamine? Isn’t that for horses? Honestly, I’m so overcome by their confidence and swagger that I’m not sure what I’m supposed to with this. What happened to good old fashioned innuendo? I could handle that. This is out of my league, I’m going to have to pass this one up to my superior.


The Flaming Lips - A Spoonful Weighs a Ton

There’s nothing funny about opiates. They ruin lives. I am grateful to know that the members of this band have won in their battle against junk and come out the other side quite happy and joyous. This song is the uplifting side of drugs, the joy behind getting out from underneath the haze of addiction.  To be released from their power of your sins. See, not all songs about drugs are inherently bad. Some say “don’t do these. You will die” and are thus quite good.  Look, I’m not such a bad guy. I’m not some inherently square asshat that just wants to ruin fun for everyone.  I’m just doing my job, trying to save lives. 


Full Disclosure: I commandeered and ate a bunch of what I thought were normal cookies from my son before writing this article and now am starting to feel kind of strange. Kind of loopy. Like I belong to another dimension. Or that this is all just a simulation. Please excuse any inaccuracies, inconsistencies, tangents and giggling fits. Actually, this feels amazing...

[Images labelled for Re-Use:]


From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.