It’s nearly the first of the month and to plenty of people out there that means your lease is up and its finally time to move out of the hellhole you currently reside in. To those reading this after the first of the month, your lease will be up one day and that horrible home will be somebody else’s problem. The shower doesn’t work. The ant problem is literally and figuratively out of hand.

But the worst of the worst has got to be the neighbors.

The neighbors above you stomp on the floor day and night like it’s their job, perpetually screaming “BITCH!” as if its the only word they know. And the neighbors below you won’t stop stomping on the ceiling like they live in some upside down world. You can’t even really be too mad because honestly it’s kind of impressive but you can be jealous of their complete abandonment of traditional gravity. WHAT IS THEIR DEAL!? WHY CAN’T THEY JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE?!

Of course this is all meaningless to people that don’t live in Southern California, because WHO moves in the Winter when it’s so frozen that you can’t feel your nose outside and the snow might be coming down harder than liberal twitter after Trump’s State of the Union. This is also off-the-mark to those people who own a home or don’t have neighbors or god-forbid actually like their neighbors, but I’m going to need them all to shut the hell up for a second because I’m going for something here and I need you to take the ride. That being said, MOST OF US at one point in our lives have had those nightmare neighbors that we were just about ready to murder.

Well we here at We Are: The Guard don’t condone violence and we definitely don’t want you to kill anyone. The world is dark enough as it is. May we offer instead some good old fashioned American Torture Music? The guards in Guantanamo Bay used Christina Aguilera to torture their prisoners and the US government invented the LRAD Sound Cannon to peacefully blast non-lethal, pain-inducing deterrent tones to stop activists or rioters! See, there’s a long, time-tested history of using music to fight petty battles for you!

So next time your neighbors are pissing you off, think about Guantanamo Bay. Put on this playlist, turn your subwoofer up and get out of the house for the whole weekend. [TRUST US YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND FOR THIS ONE]. Your neighbors will never stomp again, that's a guarantee.


57 minutes of Jason Derulo singing his own name

Ah yes, now we’re really getting into it aren’t we? The reason we’re all here today. The classic of all classics. Jason Derulo singing his own name for 57 minutes straight. Honestly this is kind of impressive. They don’t repeat a single clip twice. What hubris! Maybe it’s your hubris that got you into this situation in the first place. Ever think of that? Why don’t you consider just leaving peacefully like a normal person.


DJ Khaled screaming “DJ KHALED” for 10min

They’ll just think this is a regular DJ Khaled tune. I can’t tell the difference, can you?


DJ Khaled - Another One [10 Hour Loop]

Another One. As in another track to drive your neighbors absolutely insane. 10 hours of DJ Khaled saying just one more “Another One” might just be the piece-de-resistance in this battle against ‘nnoying neighbors.


Nyan Cat 10 hours

Oh baby. If they weren’t got yet, then 10 hours straight of Nyan Cat is certainly going to send the people above you straight to the ceiling and bring the neighbors below back down to Earth. You are an evil son of a bitch, I’ll tell you that much. Or I am. I can’t even tell anymore. Are we the same person?


Fast Food Rockers - Fast Food Song

This one is probably going to make them hungry so they’re probably going to step out of the house for a minute and get some food. But that’s okay because they’re going to get fast food and poison their stomachs, souls and sense of self worth.


Pitbull Yell Compilation

This one is just quality music, real talk. Pitbull is a National Treasure.


Knife Party - LRAD

Maybe this one is too meta but I don’t care. I made an LRAD reference and now I’m going to see it through. This one works in two ways though so it’s prime for the playlist. Let’s say your neighbors hate EDM, well then BLAM— torture. But on the other hand if they love it they’ll be lulled into a false sense of security before the rest of the tracks kick in.


Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Pretty much same logic goes for this one. If they hate Xtina— TORTURE! If they love her— WHAM… “this person has pretty decent taste.” OH HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW. Plus if it’s good enough for GitMo it’s good enough for us.


Crazy Frog - Axel F

Let’s close it out with the classic of annoyance, huh? This song has been annoying adults for thirteen years, why not keep it going a little bit longer?

You know what on second thought, let’s spin this whole playlist back and let it get another run through.

I’m not sure they got the point the first time around.

scream by Crosa and Scream by Jason Bolonski CC BY-SA 2.0

From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.