WTF: Jaden Smith So Woke, He's an Insomniac; New Spokesperson for ZzzQuil
It has been exhaustingly established that the rapper/actor/singer/songwriter/celebrity son Jaden Smith is tuned into a higher plane of existence than the rest of us, and that we’re just along for a ride with his consciousness side. Jaden is arguably the “wokest” music icon since John Lennon wrote “Imagine” and dreamt up concepts as radical as “all the people sharing all the world” and the “the world [being] as one.”
Jaden’s wokeness has been none-the-more apparent than in his winning of our annual “Most Woke” Senior Superlative for the past three years in a row. His twitter feed accepted the award on his behalf for 2017, and we were most definitely expecting for him to complete the Baker’s Hat Trick by taking home the award for this year as well.
Jaden Smith showed up to Conan O’Brien this week for his promotional tour of the independent film Skate Kitchen, with a major development in wokeness. Smith admitted to being powerless to Insomnia, and that being so woke was having a major toll on his life, preventing him from more than an hour of successful sleep a night. Smith claimed he was so physically exhausted that if he didn’t change something soon he would have to quit music and acting and being a celebrity son altogether.
The following day Smith signed a four-year, unbreakable contract to be the new spokesperson (or woke-person) for ZzzQuil. ZzzQuil is Vick’s major-market Sleep-Aid product that will straight up put anybody to sleep for a full four to six hours. Hopefully this partnership can help get the King of Woke, Jaden Smith, some much needed slumber.
We at We Are: The Guard believe that this is great news and everybody should be excited that Smith is working towards getting the sleep he needs and not consider him some total sellout non-woke poser.
The company will apparently be changing the product’s tagline from “With just one dose, this non-habit-forming sleep-aid helps you get exactly what you need—a beautiful night’s rest, so you can wake up feeling refreshed” to “Being Woke is a Joke—Time For Jaden Sleepy Time.” I don’t know if I fully support this specific decision, but I am a believer that Smith will be a wonderful new face for the drug.
Smith’s manic woke-energy had been more quiet recently than when compared to such 2015 classics as “If Everybody In The World Dropped Out of School We Would Have a Much More Intelligent Society” (Wokeweekly.com) or “People Use to Ask me What Do You Wanna Be When You Get Older And I Would Say What a Stupid Question The Real Question Is What Am I Right Now” (Jadenwoke.org). But with more recent tweets like “Los Angeles Is Not A Real Place,” it is apparent that Smith was still suffering from Major Woke Disorder. It is good that he is getting help.
We like woke Jaden. We think it's charming. But sometimes you gotta close your eyes and go to sleep, just like all the other sheep.
It is illegal in the State of California to be the spokesperson for two products at the same time so Jaden will be handing his “Just Water” responsibilities off to his sister, Willow. The company’s new tagline is said to be “I whip my paper-based bottle back and forth.”
In case you couldn’t already tell (and just to cover our asses) this was a completely fabricated, entirely fictionalized and not-true-whatsoever account by Kurt Kroeber. AKA it’s fake-- don’t be so serious all the time. Jeez.
Image Labelled for Reuse with modification -- ZzzQuil by theimpulsivebuy
From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.