“$14.75?  Are you f*cking kidding me?” says ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons in response to the financial totals he received from he and Dusty Hill having shaved off their beards for charity. “A measly $14.75? Our concert tickets cost like ten times that amount,” he elaborated angrily before presenting an oversized check to the Hair 4 Tots Foundation. There were children crying everywhere and a complete and total lack of facial hair.

It was a truly the most unfortunate day for the classic rock trio who had once ruled, if not the airwaves, at least the public consciousness. This is far removed from the band’s most legendary moment, where in 1984 the shaving company Gillette offered ZZ Top ONE MILLION DOLLARS to shave their faces as a mutually beneficial advertising campaign for both parties, proving not only how expert Gillette’s shaving devices were but also that a band as hip as the Top would use their blades to handle the deed. The band turned the offer down, foolishly if you ask me, claiming that they’d be making that kind of money well into their 110s and that nobody wanted to see their ugly-ass mugs anyway.

While that offer was definitely not still on the table for this new charity stunt, the members of the band were still pretty sure there would be more than $14.75 worth of interest in the shaving of their faces. 

Turns out they were wrong. 

Their silent donation held during the The Indy 500 was largely overshadowed by performances from 6ix9ine, Ariana Grande and Diplo b2b Dillon Francis. And not to mention the racecars. Turns out they should have gone with their original plan to do this at the World’s Beard and Moustache Championship. That probably would have brought in the big bucks. Maybe even triple digits. 

Dusty Hill chimed in after the event with his two cents. “Either people don’t care about Rock and Roll anymore or they don’t care about dedication to facial hair. But the second one can’t be true because I was in Brooklyn at my grandson’s house and everywhere I looked there were moustaches bigger than ‘La Grange’ was in 1973. This sucks. I really wish we didn’t do it.” 

We weren’t allowed to take pictures, but take my word for it when I say that they both look absolutely terrible. Old wrinkly faces with drier skin than a chapped ass in the middle of the Sahara. Neither of their faces have seen the light of day in 40 years. And now, all for this? This is truly one of rock and roll’s greatest snafus. 

The third member of the band who never had a beard in the first place-- but nobody knows anything about like wtf even is his name? John Beard or some shit hahahahaha lol. Oh wait, it really is FRANK BEARD. HIS NAME IS BEARD AND HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ONE-- Frank Beard was not affected by this incident whatsoever.

Smart Dressed Men, maybe. Smart at PR Stunts? Not so much. 

By the way, we love ZZ Top. Major fans.

This is just our fun, cheeky way of reminding y’all out there in We Are: The Guard land that they exist are awesome, making great new music and that you’ve been missing out on having these hits in your life. Sure, ZZ Top is amazing and look - beard shaving ain’t in their immediate future.. Bring ZZ Top to Coachella!  Dig in on their This is ZZ Top Spotify playlist for some classic rock & roll jams.

[Image labeled for reuse from wikimedia]


From deep within the murky depths of the Los Angeles River emerged a creature: 50% raver, 50% comedian, 10% Robotcop. Kurt Kroeber doesn’t own a dog, operates Soundbleed (the world’s only dance party comedy talk show rave), and is down to party with you. Come up some time and say “Hey dude!” But definitely make sure to casually drop the secret Illuminati password.